Winds With Hands

I've been incredibly busy with work and exhausted afterwards for weeks now. Same shit, really. Wake up, go to work, argue, get stressed, come back to the motel. It's basically been Groundhog Day for awhile. No Andy McDowell to keep me company at nights though. Which is a shame. I always thought she was pretty.

I took two vacation days a couple of weeks ago to finally go and see Sarah McLachlan and it was well worth the wait. The last concert I'd been to was Iron Maiden and MegadetH and the line to get in was fucking massive 3 hours before the doors opened and there was nowhere to park within 6 blocks. So I thought I'd nip that shit in the bud this time and take a full day to grab a parking spot close and just wander 'round the city (Tulsa) which I'd never got to explore any when I was working there for a few weeks last summer. The architecture is astounding, but the people are rude and not so patient with tourists. At this point I'm confident in saying the whole state is like that.

There was a jazz museum about two blocks away from the venue which was awesome. It's not my favorite genre and I don't know who any jazz musicians are but I am a musician so it was still entertaining for me. I tried to get in on a live book reading (no idea who the author was. I just wanted to check one out) that was going on but tickets were almost as much as my Sarah ticket set me back. I don't give a shit who you are or what book you wrote, you reading it aloud is not worth more than $10 to see. Tops.

After that it was just walking around for about two hours, wandering in to various themed bars and checking them out. There was one called "The Max" which is an homage to the 80's, and pretty fun. Didn't have any beer, but there was good food and music.

Wandered down to the venue about 3 hours before the doors opened expecting the same mind numbing line I'd experienced at Maiden and MegadetH and it was vacant. For two hours I was the only person there waiting and twice I was asked to leave because venue security thought I was a scalper. And when people did show up it was quite a change. Suits everywhere, lovely smelling pretty ladies, and the most respectful crowd I've ever been in. Everyone was polite. And mostly everyone I talked to ended up also being a musician. So for the first time in my life I was able to talk about the musicianship side of Sarah's music with people that got it. It was wonderful.

The show itself was stellar. When the lights went down there was no intro tape. She just walked out, said: "Hi, I'm Sarah and we're gonna play some music for you tonight." and immediately went into the first song. The setlist was very heavy on 'Shine On', 'Surfacing', and 'Fumbling Towards Ecstasy'. There was no material from 'Laws Of Illusion' which I found surprising. It's a great record. But I'm not going to lie, I didn't like 'Shine On' until I heard well over half of those songs live. It's one of my favorites from her now. She didn't play "Ice" or "Black & White" though, which was pretty disappointing. But it was still a great show and she and her backing band sounded spectacular. Everyone should see her live at least once. It was one of the best nights of my life, and I could go on and on about it. I really hope she does a live record from this tour. She's due for another one of those.

And then the next day was spent recovering from being up until after midnight which I'd not done in a long time.
 
I'm going home next weekend, which as always I'm looking forward to immensely. I miss my dog and I could use a break. I get 4 days this time which isn't helping me with trying to keep my mind down here and on my job this week.

A couple of Sarah photos. I only took 3 of the actual show as it just didn't feel right interrupting that show with a flash...

The couch on the far left is where she let's 4 fans sit for a little bit during each show. She picks them out of the audience and brings them onstage and spends about 10-15 minutes answering questions and taking photos with them. Very cool of her to do. And she'll answer any question. And when she talks to them, she talks "normal" to them, not down to them or "I'm just talking to you because I have to". No attitude at all. A very personal person. Again, very cool. And she said "Fuck" 7 times which was also cool. She's only said that once that I'd heard before and that was in the lyrics to "Building A Mystery". It seemed so unusual to some people (myself included) to hear her say it a woman sitting two seats down from me actually gasped each time she said it. I found it comforting to know she's normal and doesn't think of or present herself as otherwise.

And three more since I'm in a photo mood. Here's my dog with his best friend at the dogsitter's house. Don't tell the other dogs...

 



Some wall art in the streets of Tulsa...

 

And a new personal best which I achieved a couple of months ago. (I'm getting to another "Ashes & Ghosts" type entry soon, I promise)...

 

I Don't Mind The Pain

Been listening to a lot of Type O Negative these last few days and really missing the Hell out of Peter Steele. You can say whatever you want to about his appearance, and occasional run ins with the law, but he was a true talent that had an otherworldly charisma. Very few vocalist catch my attention by just singing one word, and Peter was able to do that. One of a kind voice, brilliant composer, and phenomenal musician. I'd have loved to have heard a Type O record that was written when he was 100% clean and sober. And yes, I'm aware he was clean and sober when he died, and I'm very proud of him for that, but we never got to hear his mind at work with the "clarity". It's a shame he's gone but I'm glad it was due to natural causes and not another Layne Staley case. Or worse.

I've also been listening to loads of Danzig as well and there's another sad story. But for very different reasons. The lineup on those first 4 records was so solid it just kills me to think of what they could have accomplished together if Glenn hadn't got caught up in the "evil disco" of '5: Blackacidevil'. It's a decent record, but it's not very Danzig at all. I can think of 3 tracks off of it that come close to sounding like Danzig, and one of them is a cover song ("Hand Of Doom"), one is a remix of a track the 1-4 lineup recorded ("Deeper"), and one just isn't Danzig-ish at all musically but lyrically is the closest ("Power Of Darkness"). Ugh. When our favorite artists drift too far from their origins it can just be... awkward sometimes. I'm all for creativity and experimentation and evolving as an artist, don't get me wrong, but sometimes as a fan you just go: "What... the Hell?". I'm glad Glenn was able to strike a perfect balance on "666: Satan's Child". That's a killer record. Probably the best after the firing of John Christ, Chuck Biscuits, & Eerie Von.

'Death Red Sabaoth' is great as well, but '666' just stands out for some reason. I suppose 'Death Red' is the closest to the Danzig mk.1 lineup material out of all post material. It sounds vintage, the drumming (done by Glenn himself) is swingy yet pounding, and lyrically it really does feel like and old 70's rock and blues album sprinkled with a touch of Satan by the Left Hand Black. Great stuff. And Glenn's voice is in great shape again on it, which is, well, great. It must have been shitty to have one of the best and most distinctive voices in Heavy Metal and have to distort it so much with sound effects just to sound decent for so long.

Crawl Across Your Killing Floor

Made it home around 3 in the afternoon on Friday and instantly went on the hunt for a few hardware chains that are not in the area in which I'm working. These places are always stocked up with batteries for my drills and whatnot except for when I'm actually looking to buy some. I had planned on getting 4, I walked out with 1. "Fortune favors the brave" or something like that I suppose. Should've got 'em when I'd had the chance months ago. Ah well. Another shopping trip to look forward to on my next trek back home in April.

I spent a lot of time evaluating the wreckage of my past and the people I (sometimes) currently associate with. It was depressing as Hell. I find myself very bitter about where I am with my relationships with various people. It takes a certain kind of person to accommodate and accept and deal with someone that has a lifestyle like I currently have and I don't know many. The old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" really does apply to people sometimes. I find myself being that with most everyone back home. To say things are strained with certain people may be the perfect description or may not be close enough. I can't say for sure anymore.

I have been fortunate enough to have met some of the most amazing people the world has produced. I've been friends with hem, I've slept with them, and I've been in romantic relationships with them. And now 80% of them are gone from my life. Some by choice, others by circumstance, and others for reasons I still don't (and probably never will) know. I'm trying to build a better financially stable life for myself doing what I do. Nothing more, nothing less. I seek no rewards other than the means to survive. And it seems that has come with a price that I never anticipated and that bothers me a lot.

Were they all fair-weather? Maybe. Could I have prevented some of the alienation? I'm sure, if I'd thought or known it was going to happen. It's all uncomfortable thoughts when I examine it all.

I was lucky enough to spend Valentine's Day night with an old friend. It wasn't planned it just kind of happened. We talked, laughed, and just hung out for a couple of hours. There was nothing "romantic" or even sexual about it (I say that because it was Valentine's Day and I know how it could be interpreted.), just "normal". It was wonderful. For three hours I felt like I was actually living a life again and not just going through motions trying to "earn" one. I had it. And much like a heavy fog it was gone when the sun came out. But the memory will last, and I'm happy it happened.

One of these days my traveling journey will end. And I am going to live a normal life. And tomorrow I will wake up in a better mood and in good spirits with my sense of humor back on track. 

What Baby Wants...

Getting ready to pack my bags up and go home tomorrow morning for the weekend. I'd have gone ahead and left tonight but I'm exhausted and my night vision isn't the best. I wake up every morning at 4:00a.m., and if I'd left for home right after clocking out today I might have made it by midnight. It would've been nice to wake up in my own bed tomorrow, but it's just not worth the risk. While it's been sunny and no lower than 60 degrees the last few weeks here it's been freezing cold back home with snow and ice. I just don't feel like hitting a patch of black ice in the middle of nowhere and getting stranded. Or worse.

And I'm ready for the trek. I've been fighting almost every day with co-workers and bosses for almost two weeks now. From something as stupid as someone borrowing my tools and not telling me they had them (leaving me to think $500 worth of tools had been stolen for two days and being pissed off about it before they told me: "Oh, we've got those over here. You need 'em back?") to defending co-workers against higher ups and every-fucking-thing in between, it's been a shit sandwich. So I just need to get the Hell away and relax for a couple of days. I get myself worked up just thinking back on it all...

I've no idea what I'll be doing. I wasn't supposed to go home again until March, but yesterday I decided I just have to for a tiny bit of peace of mind. So it's not like the weekend is planned, other than picking up the dog and spending a day with him.  I suppose I'll just wander around town for the first afternoon I'm home and get re-acclimated with the place and try to remember what it's like to be and how to behave around "normal" people.

And Valentine's Day is this weekend, so that means I'll have to once again not give a shit about a holiday since it's just another day for me. Fantastic day if you're in a relationship, but I'm not so I find it annoying seeing little rose bouquets and heart candies everywhere. I'm not bitter or lonely, it just gets on my nerves for some reason I haven't figured out yet. Just like when I see Christmas decorations going up for sale in October.

Do You Wear The Mark?

I spent the last few days lying in bed fighting some nasty illness that absolutely knocked me on my ass and made me miss work for the first time in 3 years due to illness. I'm not sure what it was, but my body ached constantly and I was sweating all the time, and I swear one night I saw the Grim Reaper at the foot of the bed pointing at me right before I fell asleep. Well, he could've been asking me where I got my neck pillow I suppose. Maybe I just didn't hear him ask.

It was pretty rough though, and right when I cracked and was going to see a doctor and get some sort of prescription, it vanished. 4 days of torment gone within an instant. It reminded me of the end of a "relationship" I was in once. What a relief. I refuse to visit a doctor and pay loads of money for a prescription that has an over-the-counter equivalent. I can't even stand the idea of it. And usually I soldier on through sicknesses and go to work and make all of my co-workers happy by sharing my suffering with them and then passing it on to them. I don't know how many times I've gone to work with strep throat (and if you've had it, you know how comfortable that sickness is and how it makes you so happy to be around other people) and the flu, but this bug just got me.

So it was bed for me for 4 days. Getting up only to use the bathroom, make some soup, and soak in a hot bath. And this brought me the chance to catch up on and learn about the current state of television. Fucking. Dreadful. There's cable here and even with that I couldn't find one show on before 4p.m. that didn't make me feel like an idiot for watching it. So I bounced back and forth between tv and 'Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker' which was loads of fun but a bit confusing for me in my (legally) medically inebriated state of mind. That's another thing I learned: If medicine says it's "Daytime safe", bet your ass I'll be un-suitable to operate heavy machinery or even walk within two hours of taking it. I tried two different kinds and both of them had me singing the theme to "Bonanza" and feeling like Afro-Man in his heyday.   

All Outta Nothin'

Today was my trip to the company recommended Doctor's Office, and I've never been so pissed off and felt so disrespected before. To start off with, the Company seemed shocked when I told them I was going and was needing the address, despite me telling them on Friday I would be going. So after an hour and a half of our Safety representative scrambling on the phone to get the address, we were off. We drove by the place 4 times looking for it due to it not being a hospital, but a very small, teeny tiny little corner lot building that specializes in urine testing for drugs. This didn't really sit well with me at all. After all, I was going in for x-rays, not a piss test.

So we go in, and there's a line of about 25 people crammed into a waiting room that's maybe big enough to hold 7 people, tops. Everyone is there to pee in a cup, except for me. I get in line, stand for 30 minutes, then get some forms to fill out which took maybe 5 minutes to do. Then we sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Now before we'd left work, I'd not used a bathroom in expectation of having to pee in a cup myself due to me being there for a work related injury. When the time between standing in line and waiting for a doctor or nurse to pop out and call my name added up to an hour, I couldn't wait anymore. So I went up to the receptionist and asked: "I know I'm probably going to have to give a urine sample, but I really need to use the bathroom. Where is it?". She then asked who I was again and what I was there for, then after being told said: "Ah, no need for a sample. Here you go.". She then handed me a key on a very long, fairly round stick like a gas station attendant would give you when the bathroom is on the outside of the building. "Don't give it to anyone else when you're done, I need it right back." she said. I looked around the waiting room and didn't see a bathroom sign on or above any door. "Ok, where is it?" I asked.

She then pointed to a very small, very narrow door on a wall that looked like a broom closet door. "Right there." she said. Fucks sake, what kind of medical facility does that? Why do they need a key on a heavy bulky lanyard type object? Why not just make it a wheel rim and fully embrace the silliness of it? So I went. And thankfully it was clean. Another 20 minutes and a nurse called my name. We got up, went into an office, and the first thing I saw was the exact same type of computer I had back in '98. Nurse checks blood pressure, gets height and weight, says "Doctor will be in shortly", then leaves. At this point I'm just in shock. This is a very low-tech, seemingly behind the times technologically medical facility, and this is the place my company sends all of their hurt/injured employees to get checked out.

Then the doctor comes in. Now let me preface this with a disclaimer: I have no objections to people from foreign lands coming over to North America to work. At all. I've worked with several and have not had any reason to dislike any of them. But with that being said, I do believe that if you're in a line of work where communication is crucial and key, you need to be able to speak the native language or find one you've in common with whoever it is you're trying to speak with. This Doctor did not understand a word I said, and vice versa. I've no idea what country is his homeland, I'd never heard the accent.

The only way I could get him to understand why I was there was through a combination of acting it all out, and speaking very slowly. After a few minutes of this game of charades and him poking and prodding my shoulder he said: "You want an x-ray?". Yes, I do as a matter of fact. So I was handed off to a nurse where I was taken to a room where they did x-rays. In it was a machine that looked like it was from the set of "St. Elsewhere", no lead bib or apron of any kind, and no wall for the nurse to stand behind. She positioned me in front of the machine, where a crosshair of light showed me what area the x-ray was going to be of. It was off by about 5 inches. I told her that. Her response? "Oh, it'll show up, hun. It's a wide picture." "But it's not even close to the area I need looked at," I said, pointing out where I needed it and saying: "Right here."

"Sweetie, it'll get it. Trust me." Then she backed up against the far wall, and the machine did it's thing. Then I was repositioned at an angle, with my arm outstretched so the joint could be X-Rayed. It was in the right area this time, and I told her so. "That first one will show up. Promise.". She took another, again just backing up against the far wall and not actually getting behind a wall of any kind, and it was done. So after a minute of waiting, the pictures were ready to look at. We get taken in to the "Doctor"s office, where he then puts the x-rays on the lighted board. Then he proceeded to talk to me about what was up there with the door wide open and people walking by in the hallway. I was the one that closed it. And wouldn't you know it? The first x-ray the nurse took didn't even show the area I was there to have looked at. It showed half of my rib cage and 1/4 of my shoulder. What. The. FUCK? Then he went on to talk about how he didn't see anything of any concern in it, and everything looked alright. Well, no shit. I told him: "That's not the right area." He then pointed at a 100% black area of the picture and said: "That area is here. I can see it. It's fine.".

Now I know that when you do a certain task for a long period of time you begin to see and notice things about it the untrained eye will not. But I have yet met anyone who can look at a pitch black picture and see right away what it is underneath. Then he put the 2nd one up, and it was a perfect x-ray of the affected area. And, to my complete surprise, there was nothing out of the ordinary on it. Nothing I saw, anyways. I'm not an x-ray or bone expert, but I was nose close to it and I didn't see anything. He again said: "There's nothing there.". So I nodded, accepting it and feeling a lot more comfortable after seeing a much better x-ray, and asked: "So what was the popping, and why did it hurt so bad?". And I was ok at this point. I was relieved and comfortable. And then he answered with: "The popping was probably your muscle.". Wait, WHAT?!

So I called him on it. "How the fuck does a muscle make a popping sound?!". He gave me a line about "If it's swelled up it'll put pressure on the bones". Ok, so the bones popped because of the swelled muscle? "No, it was the muscle." he said again. "Then I want an MRI." I said. He shook his head very slowly and said: "Your company gets very upset with me if I send people for an MRI, especially if it turns out there's nothing there that's problematic. MRI's are very expensive." and it all made sense with those two sentences. I knew exactly why they sent me, and send many others, there. He is, for lack of a better description, on the take. He works for them. And he does what they want him to when it comes to their employees. And I was ready to leave immediately. I can't begin to explain just how shocked I was, and still am, over it.

So what was his recommendation? "Give it a couple of weeks, and if it bothers you still, come back and we go for MRI.". And our Safety representative, who is new with the company, seemed just as shocked as I was. "No light duty or lost time?" I asked. "Light duty if you want, no lost time. I leave the duty load scale to you. I don't know what you do, so I can't advise on that. But no lost time. Ice pack, aspirin, and rest at night. Take it easy. In two weeks, we go from there.". 

It fucking blows my mind just thinking back on it. It just blows my fucking mind. So I went back to work, where I took it easy, and spent the rest of the day trying to decide what to do. And I honestly haven't come up with anything. A second opinion, for sure. Absolutely on that. But as far as my employer and I's working relationship? I don't know. To send people hurt to a place like that, with a "Doctor" like that is just... wrong. No bones about it, I feel disgusted working for them now. And I'm very heavily considering breaching my contract with them and somehow coming up with a few thousand dollars to pa them to get the fuck away from them.

It's sickening. If I'd have had any idea that that's how they treat their hurt employees, I'd have never signed on in the first place. It's no wonder why people who've been with them longer than I have work through injuries and just deal with them. Because at the end of the day, no matter what you say to them or if you seek treatment, you're either going to end up doing it anyways, or you're going to look for a new job.

I've no idea what to do. The paycheck is decent, but it's not going to keep me on to wreck my body beyond repair, and it's not going to make me compromise my beliefs in what's really important in life and what life's priorities should be.

But at this time I have no other job lined up, and I'm not about to leave without having one secured. I've done that, and it was not worth it. Jobs, for someone as "uneducated" as myself, are not easy to come by, and I have bills to pay. Food for thought, for sure.

Cry For Me, Sky

I'm excited to finally be going to the doctor this upcoming week to finally get my shoulder looked at. It hasn't been unbearable but it hasn't been pleasant. Yesterday and today it popped twice right in the socket area and both times the pops hurt like Hell. Something is not right, and I seem to have finally convinced my employer of that. It's dangerous water you tread in sometimes when you're hurt. Not speaking of the actual physical damage done and working with it, but the implications it can have.

When it's an on the job injury, employers get scared. They worry about the costs to insurance, and a lost time incident can be damaging to a companies reputation. This never puts the injured person in a comfortable spot. On the one hand, you've bills to pay and should it come to missing work, unemployment only pays so much. The other hand is you have the Corporate Tinkerers breathing down your neck about how it can harm the company financially and "Could you please just give it a couple of days before we take such steps? It might get better.". You can either listen to them and work hurt, and if it's nothing serious you'll pull through in time, or you can go get checked out and possibly put a target on your back for the higher ups to look at. My employer is no different then any other: it's all about profit. And when medical bills come in, profit can shrink. And when a company has a track record of injured employees, job opportunities for the company can be lost which shrinks profit even more. Hence the potential for a bullseye on a persons back. It has happened, and it does happen.

Right now though I'm not sure what will happen. I just know I'm getting checked out, and I'm very pissed off it took a few days to get my company to go along with it. I do worry about being a target, because I am no one of importance in my company. I'm not a boss, I'm a grunt. I am, for lack of a better description, expendable in the eyes of those who sit in offices and know nothing about me other than what they read in a file. It's not a comfortable position, but I'm taking care of me. If my company takes offense to that and wants to get rid of me for it... things could get interesting.

At this point I honestly do not know what to expect. I just know that something is wrong in my left shoulder and I want it fixed so the constant ache and the painful pops will stop. Ice packs and pills only help so much.