Sunday, February 15, 2015

Crawl Across Your Killing Floor

Made it home around 3 in the afternoon on Friday and instantly went on the hunt for a few hardware chains that are not in the area in which I'm working. These places are always stocked up with batteries for my drills and whatnot except for when I'm actually looking to buy some. I had planned on getting 4, I walked out with 1. "Fortune favors the brave" or something like that I suppose. Should've got 'em when I'd had the chance months ago. Ah well. Another shopping trip to look forward to on my next trek back home in April.

I spent a lot of time evaluating the wreckage of my past and the people I (sometimes) currently associate with. It was depressing as Hell. I find myself very bitter about where I am with my relationships with various people. It takes a certain kind of person to accommodate and accept and deal with someone that has a lifestyle like I currently have and I don't know many. The old saying "Out of sight, out of mind" really does apply to people sometimes. I find myself being that with most everyone back home. To say things are strained with certain people may be the perfect description or may not be close enough. I can't say for sure anymore.

I have been fortunate enough to have met some of the most amazing people the world has produced. I've been friends with hem, I've slept with them, and I've been in romantic relationships with them. And now 80% of them are gone from my life. Some by choice, others by circumstance, and others for reasons I still don't (and probably never will) know. I'm trying to build a better financially stable life for myself doing what I do. Nothing more, nothing less. I seek no rewards other than the means to survive. And it seems that has come with a price that I never anticipated and that bothers me a lot.

Were they all fair-weather? Maybe. Could I have prevented some of the alienation? I'm sure, if I'd thought or known it was going to happen. It's all uncomfortable thoughts when I examine it all.

I was lucky enough to spend Valentine's Day night with an old friend. It wasn't planned it just kind of happened. We talked, laughed, and just hung out for a couple of hours. There was nothing "romantic" or even sexual about it (I say that because it was Valentine's Day and I know how it could be interpreted.), just "normal". It was wonderful. For three hours I felt like I was actually living a life again and not just going through motions trying to "earn" one. I had it. And much like a heavy fog it was gone when the sun came out. But the memory will last, and I'm happy it happened.

One of these days my traveling journey will end. And I am going to live a normal life. And tomorrow I will wake up in a better mood and in good spirits with my sense of humor back on track. 

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